Top 10 weirdest fucking animals.


Mother Nature is the one person next to god who created life one this planet. But what oddities did they have up their sleeves? What went through their deity heads? Heres my list on what fuglies live on our beautiful blue space marble.

10. The Wrinkled Faced Bat:
Woah! Holy $h!+

Woah! Holy $h!+

Why Weird: Well for one it’s a bat that has to wear a flap of skin that’s a hood to hide it’s very wrinkled face. This is one weird animal because it’s like a superhero of sorts, or some animal that thinks a mask or hood will help it’s completion from hell. In one way it’s like Batman without the whole humanity, out for justice and not completely black colored fur.

Plus side to weirdness: Well if I were this guy I’d go around with the hood saving folk from villains. And when day time I’d take the hood off and talk to my bat companions on why I look like Darkman.

Total saviour

Total Hero

9. Sloth:

I am watching your children and they look...Delicious.

I am watching your children and they look...Delicious.

Why Weird: I can tell you this, I love sloths. Like if I were to be any animal in the world Id be a fucking sloth. But this article is about how weird they are. Not how cool and awesome they are. Imagine that you woke up one day and you had a flower growing on your back and you moved very slowly. Your fur is a fucking garden and a home to molds and other plant-life. They eat alot, sleep alot and in general are the best damn thing mother nature has shit out since exploding frogs. The sad thing is in the time of giant pigs, furry elephants and other big mammals Sloths use to be huge and really badass. They use to move fast, kill things smaller and be the size of a one story house or possibly two story house, yeah mother-nature screwed these guys over BIG time.

Plus side to Weirdness: Well beside the possibility of growing plants on your back, being cute, having great muscle mass, nice sharp claws. You’d be able to knock up a nice sloth chick and ending up with a batch of cute sloths that make you want to vomit a fucking rainbow.

I just burped up a butterfly

I just barfed up a butterfly

8. Vampire squid:

Why Weird: Well if you have just watched the video above you can see that this squid is fucking weird, not weird to be number one. Like many of the creatures of the deep, this squid is bio luminescent and really creepy looking. Imagine that your a little fishy, swimming along the edge between the darkness of the deep and the happy song filled waters above. you see a light and then BAM! spooky mother fucker pulls you into the dark and pwns your n00b ass. The truth about these guys are that much like vampires, these squid aren’t seen very much like every chance a scientist sees one of these pricks they zoom off into the depths of the water below. And no if you get bitten by one you won’t turn into a vampire or squid/vampire thing or Cthulhu faced person.

Plus side to weirdness: Other than instilling fear into anybody who dares gaze at you. Your arms are quiped with spikes and very awesome all natural LED light installed into your arms and body. And by some crazy fucking chance you’d be able to turn some fish into a vampire/octopus or into a Cthulhu faced fish that feasts on blood.

Feed me, Semore

Feed me!

7. Hag Fish:

a.k.a the slime eel

a.k.a the slime eel

Why Weird: Well you know when you have a stuffy nose and how the mucus is just sticky and well slimey. If you pick this fish up you’ll be covered in slime and by the gallons too. That’s it’s natural defense. The hag fish is covered with thousands and thousands of slime creating pores. The fish is a bottom feeder and if eaten it will use all of it’s energy to unleash all it’s got to give the guy eating it the worst stuffy nose ever.

Plus side to weirdness: Well Nothing really, I mean you could be caught running from a barracuda and just explode into a gooier net to slow down the barracuda, but that’d leave you both in a sticky situation. Alright I can admit that pun just sucked.

Wazzzz up!

Wazzzz up!

6. Lamprey:

Eeek!

Oh wow...you look happy?

Why Weird: Well for one thing it looks pretty creepy and they live in both lakes and the ocean. If you look up lamprey on google, you’ll find alot of disturbing pics like the lamprey teeth as people’s fingers, as people’s eyes and so on. These fish feed off of alive and dead fish and even people. Once a team of swimmer went swimming in a New York lake and were attacked by a group of Lampreys. If bitten these bastards will takes chunks of your flesh and enjoy every bit they got of you. The dicks.

Plus side to weirdness: Well other than your mouth being a loved picture that photoshopper’s just love to use to freak the living shit out of other folk. Your a parasite that lives on the bottom of the ocean and feast upon the rotting corpses of dead whales and other dead things. Yet if you see a little kid in your waters, you just have to fuck up their legs.

Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!!

Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!!

5. Aardvark:

Oink, oink?

Oink, oink?

Why Weird: Well I’ve heard many say “What’s an aardvark?” Imagine that a pig and an anteater porked, pun intended, and then moved to Africa. Now that’s weird.

Plus side to weirdness: Well you have the body parts of an ant-eater and pig, so there has to be something interesting here…nope nothing cool here other than weird fucking babies.

Im just a cutie...

He's a just a cutie...*shudder*

5. Bottle nose Dolphin:

Wha?! Weird?

Wha?! Weird?

Why Weird: Holy Shit! Why is a dolphin be on this list of oddities?! I’ll tel ya why. They’re fucking mammals that live in water that’s why. Also they kill other porpoises for fun and play with their dead corpses, Males will kill a baby to get some with the mother, try to rape humans and the list can go on.

Plus side of weirdness: Well your basically the rapist of the sea, you can kill anybody who steps in the water, fuck up a shark, rescue people (then rape them before they get to land) and play volley ball with a seal’s corpse. Everytime Spongebob may curse and you here that dolphin noise, be afraid…be very afraid.

Hey, dat's a nice daughta ya got there, mind if she swims?

Hey, dat's a nice daughta ya got there, mind if she swims?

4. Pangolin:

I have nothing funny or stupid to say...at all.

I have nothing funny or stupid to say...at all.

Why Weird: I tell ya that ant-eater is one busy guy when making babies. Or that mother nature like to fuck around with the genetics of millions of animals. This is basically a mixture of an armadillo and ant-eater. It like to climb trees like with it’s sharp claws and roll into a ball of razor sharp plates. Mother nature must have really took a liking to the armadillo, she must have said to herself “hmm, that armor plating on the armadillo isn’t so effective plus every time somebody picks it up they dont get stabbed enough. Well lets give this guy an upgrade for lacking in awesome plates. Lets make this fucker a razor sharp ball of furry!”

Plus side to weirdness: C’mon if your being pick on by some douche at school, you could easily run real fast, then jump into a backwards spin to make your razor blades face their general direction. So when you uncoil yourself from a razor ball of kickass you’ll find the dick torn the fuck up and knocked down bleeding out. Then when you get home you will find yourself being offered to join either the Brotherhood of Mutants or the X-men  by both Magneto and Professor X.

Hey, who wants to fuck with me now? HUH?!

Hey, who wants to fuck with me now? EH?!

3. Coelecanth:

One old son of a bitch right there

One old son of a bitch right there

Why Weird: Hmmm let’s see suppose to be extinct, a though scaled mother-fucker and suppose to be extinct. This fish told Mother-Nature to go fuck herself and flipped Darwin’s law of survival of the fittest the middle finger. The fish was discovered in many fossil records, but in the 1900’s off the coast of Africa a fisherman caught one and had not a clue on what his just reeled in. He sent a picture of it to a scientist, when the scientist got the message and picture he crapped his trousers and said that the bastard was supposedly long gone and went extincted millions of years ago. Soon everybody started to realize that people were catching the fish off the coast for years and nobody gave a thought into what the shit tacos this fish was.

Plus side to weirdness: Figure that you baffled alot of scientists, escaped Mother-Nature’s pms induced extinction rampage that she went on back then and wiped your ass with some or atleast most of the laws Darwin made. I’d say that your one B.M.F. (Badass Motha fucker). Plus you have sharp teeth and pretty tough scales and you havn’t died by the hands of god yet.

Dur har durh...

A beautiful mind.

2. Barnacles:

He's hiding something, we just don't know what. Most likely the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa.

He's hiding something, we just don't know what. Most likely the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa.

Why Weird: If you never visited the shore then you’ve never seen one of these bastards. Barnacles are the ocean’s cockroaches. Next to muscles and clams and oysters. Barnacles are all most every where, check the underside of a boat that have been in the water for year or two and you will see a shit load of these guys. I mean the enormity of the how many there are on a single boat can leave guessing how many are on the next boat, that’s been in the water for five years.

Plus to weirdness: Hopefully there isn’t a grave-mind of sorts in the depths of the ocean just sending these buggers out into the ocean hoping somebody would swallow one and give birth to the world first human/barnacle. Well that and you can’t really move from place to place, your sort of glued to the boat underside. still you can give talk to yourself and not be crazy. Also you’re being used as a curse word in SpongeBob.

WE ARE ONE, WE ARE ALL!!!

WE ARE ONE, WE ARE ALL!!!

1.Jelly-fish:

not fake...

not fake...

Why Weird: Are you fucking kidding me! These aren’t even fish they’re just globs of poisonous goo; that if you kill one millions more are released. The Jellyfish are invading Japan! No really, look that shit up on Google. The lion’s Mane Jelly fish are the huge mother fuckers in J-town that are actually blocking up all ocean ports and killing off the food that the Japanese love; fish. Fisherman are even trying to sell them for food, now that’s sad. There’s even a rumor that scientists tried to make a jelly fish/monkey so that it can glow in the dark, oddly they succeeded and we didn’t get The Predator from the movies we got glowing monkeys. Scientists are just baffled on why they’re population is growing. Many think climate change, shortening food supplies or that Cthulhu is going to raise from from his oceanly grave. Nobody really fucking Knows!!!

Plus side to weirdness: Depends, if your the one that just float around the shore line and stings little kids and old people or your the one the kill tough people and can kill fucking a whales and sharks. And your life is just a complete trip. you start off as alittle seed, then turn into a plant-thing, then jelly fish then start all over again. Sure it’d be a weird life, but whose to say that you didn’t kill anybody before you died?

Invaders.

Invaders from the depths.

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5 Responses to “Top 10 weirdest fucking animals.”

  1. That’s awesome man!

  2. You forgot to mention how the Hagfish feed. They swim into mouths, gills or slide right up their ass and then start eating their prey from the inside out. Fucked up.

    • Titus Says:

      That is fucked up. So this means both the bottle nosed dolphin and Hagfish are the rapists of the sea.

  3. you didn’t mention that a barnacle.
    If it were the same size as a human, it would have a penis the size of the Eiffel tower.
    Barnacles mate, by waving their penis about in the waves, find a hot chick, and curve down to do the deed.
    They have such long members cuz they cannot move :

  4. Dude, this was awsome, loved reading it. Keep it up!

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