Top 5 executions

How you die is interesting in a psychopathic way. Would you rather be mauled to death by a rabid beaver or be raped by a clown on LSD. Now  did a whole death thing before, but by request and with enough free time I’m gonna give my list of top executions.

5. Firing squad:
History: During times of war this method of execution was used alot. Almost every country has used this method of shooting the fuck out of a prisoner. USA, Canada (I’m shocked too!), Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia, Ireland, Philippines, Finland and many more. The convict, prisoner or the condemned will be either placed against a wall, sitting, or tied to a post. But with every execution, would you enjoy your very moments staring down the barrel of a rifle? Didn’t think so. So There’s an option of either being blindfolded or actually staring down the barrel with pants shitting fear.  But A rifle isn’t the only fear installing weapon, the officers pulling the trigger can use a handgun instead you have to be turned around though, Pants shitting terror still plastered on the inside of your pants.

Usefulness: Execution by firing squads are popular in media. Escape From Sobibor, A Skit on an episode of Whitest Kids U’Know and Monty Python’s Flying Circus had a firing squad episode. But to be truthful if your a new nation trying to grow and you have a few traitors and spies during your time of war Pulling off a Firing Squad will infact be a total FUCK YOU to whoever your at war with. But you have to go through all that trial and jury shit so that won’t be much fun.

4. Nitrogen Asphyxiation:

History: Choking somebody by hand seems pretty boring and long if you don’t have enough grip, strength and time that you need to choke the convict and it’s not all that entertaining when it becomes some kind of sick eroctiasphyxiation session. But isn’t there an easier way? Why of course there is! You choke the shit out of the person with Nitrogen! Yes Nitrogen. Some jerk scientist thought that it was better to kill the person by choking them slowly until they are unconscious then or course death. In 1995 it was said to be an execution that “Kills with Kindness”…it’s a nice thing to know that they gave it a name that seems to be abit friendly with the kids of today. The situation is almost as equal to gas chambers plus nitrogen is cheap, go figure.

Usefulness: Well seeing that Argon is expensive so is Helium. Nitrogen is cheap possibly because there’s an abundance of it in the atmosphere. Given that it beats getting shot up, stabbed, hanged, electrocuted or decapitated, your still losing your oxygen supply and dying, very very slowly, but your going to sleep painfully. They took Helium out possibly because it would be fun as fuck watching the guy talk with a funny voice until he dies much like many of the Joker’s victims.

3.Crushing:

HOLY FUCK!

History: This one is interesting in the whole “Jesus Christ you just crush a person” execution style. Much like many of executions this one is simple yet fun. This execution is simplistic and entertaining. Have enough force upon your enemy and soon they will be an dead guy pancake. Like shown above, Many cultures spent their days punishing their enemies and convicts by squishing them like bugs. But sadly and thankfully many countries of today don’t execute condemned inmates like this anymore, why? I’ll tell ya why. It’s because We’re more advanced damn it!

Usefulness: Well To be honest these kinda executions are not very useful in these modern times given that many humans are now robots and crushing their metallic bodies won’t do us any good against them, they have Wifi. But Before modern times when our enemies had breakable bones and emotions; not emoticons. It was fun to see the emotion on the convict’s pitiful face. It gave many people the idea for many movie deaths and video games. Shit crushing our opponent in a video game, Super Mario Bros. basically pushed forward the idea of crush people, well take LSD then crush people/flying turtles/mushrooms. Then we all remember that death scene from Austin Powers International Man of Mystery

2.Impalement:

Double penetration?

History: This one goes far back into history and across the lands. It’s mostly known to be Vlad “The Impaler” Dracula’s favorite way of execution. Now sticking a giant sharp stick into somebody can be tricky. There  are tons of holes to stick it in; no pun intended. There were about two ways to impale a person, three if it’s a woman *wink*. The anus, mouth and vag are the three ways to impale a convict or just in general somebody who had it coming. Impaling by anus and vag are lethal. Yet of course science looked into it. By vaginal impalement your dead, but when you get impaled anally, your alive even when you have the spike sticking out of your mouth.  But you’d Of Course be in an extreme amount of pain. Broken pelvis, ribs, brutally damaged organs and of course your jaw would either detach or snap. The spike some time wouldn’t go all the way and just stop by the organs, if luck you die from being brutally raped by a spike.

Usefulness: Well it did wonder for Vlad and it still does. Seeing a vast land filled by rows of corpses and spikes sticking out of them. And for more Horrific shit points, pull a “Dracula” and drink the blood that for sure will scare the holy fuck out of your enemies. And possibly draw some unwanted followers; Vampire lovers.

and Willem Defoe

1.Curb-stomp:

History: The legacy of this execution move is mysterious, but it’s be around for a while, I’m sure that Jesus might have even performed a curb stomp on some sinners back in the day. Curb-Stomping has recently been a new and cool way to off your opponent. Yet it hasn’t been tooken up with officials yet, probably because it’s a pretty barbaric way of Offing a convict or prisoner. Making them bite curb or a rock and then river stomp on their fragile skull. Curb-Stomping is a new trend for kids these days. I mean how pissed is the dentist gonna be when the patient comes in? Right?

"This will teach you a fuckin' lesson!"

Usefulness: If your in a gang, which everybody is now an’ days, you know that doing anything violent to another gang member can leave horrific trauma into the enemy’s subconscious. No matter how barbaric it could be, this is another way to put a person out of their misery. The waiting of when the boot to the head is killer. It’s torturous and painful.I can only give one movie that I can recall that has a Curb-Stomp death scene and that movie is American History X:

The Top 5 movie plots that could have been solved with in minutes.

Movies are the shit. If it weren’t for movies we would be bored as hell. We’d only be able to write books, read books, watch tv, play video games and have nothing to take a date to. But as much as I love movie there are some that are just horseshit stupid. Like plots that even a monkey addicted to smack and speed could figure out. So in honor of the new disaster movie, 2012,  this is my list of movie plots that could have been solved in seconds!

5. Never Back Down

Plot: Jake leaves his school with his older brother to go live with their widowed mother. At the new school he gains a rep. because he went apeshit on another football player from the opposite team. A hot chick invites him to a party where there are a bunch of guys are kicking boxing. Soon Jake goes into the ring and gets his ass handed to him. The hot chick is digusted at her boyfriend, Ryan, who continously beats the every living shit out of Jake.

The hot chick breaks up with her boyfriend, he goes crazy and hurts her via hard grip to the arm. He says something about her weak father, Jake gets angered because his dad killed himself by drinking and driving. Ryan makes threats towards Jake and hot chick.Later Jake gets taught martial arts by Mr.Echo from Lost. He fights Ryan and wins both the girl and the fight. He also wins the top rank of being school popular.

How this could have been solved: Now when your in a fight it’d be a pussy of you to back down and take a civil way. But when you get your ass kicked, threatened and your friend’s ass gets kicked twice. You would have figured a better way of solving this problem. You have literally tons of choices to either avoid future ass kicking or giving the future ass kicking. Now to be civil you could challenge the person to a duel. No. Not Yu gi oh (fucking geek). A duel from the early years of the world. Two people get a weapon of choice, they get a distance the fire upon each other, the winner is decided by who ever lives!

Now there two more options I’d like to mention. The first is to just take thier ass to court and sue the ever living shit out of them. I mean how many accounts of harassment are there that said person has violated? I mean shit you and those who got harassed could get the millions off of the douche.

The other option is simple, do the whole duel thing, but with a twist. Make the person the hunt and you the hunter! I mean it is fair game and there’s nothing like a good hunt. I was gonna say to just blow a hole through the fuckers face.

4.The Day the Earth Stood Still (both).

Plot: An alien saucer lands in Washington. Klaatu and his robot Gort have come from a higher Archy of universal council, which says that if earth does not stop harming itself or in the original get rid of the nukes. Gort  or the council will kill the human race until we’re dead. Klaatu walks out of his ship then BAM! He gets shot be some asshole who thought that he was gonna get probed again.

Klaatu then sneaks away from a hospital, befriends a young boy. Later he meets the boys mother. In the original Klaatu gets shot…again. He is then is raced to the ship which he is then healed. He then leaves earth but with leaving the message of the council. In the remake he sacrifices himself to stop the ship from cleaning the planet of humans and other things. Then the movie ends.

How this could have been solved: Well first off, who gave the damn order to shoot the fucking peaceful alien? Second, if some alien flying around in space sees both movies they’ll get the idea that man kind is just a bunch of trigger happy dumb-shits that enjoy fucking around with aliens that come in peace with a message. I mean shoot, Klaatu didn’t even see the ladies who sell their goods down by the corners. I’m surprised that after all of the shinnangins that he got into he just didn’t show mercy and blow up the planet without double taking while the earth exploded into little space pebbles.

All ya'll can stick this up your ass I'm outta here.

3.Little Shop of Horrors.

Plot: Seymour buys a plant that appears from the sky and soon it grows and feeds off of blood. Yet as it grows it gains more of a taste for human. Seymour then kills his boss. His love interest’s boyfriend; the dentist. Near the end the plant has a plan of it’s own. Now depending on which version you see either the play or the film it matters because in the play, Seymour and Audrey are eaten by the plant. In the movie Seymour and Audrey manage to kill the plant.

How this could have been solved: Burn it…That’s all I really have to say. If that plant asked for more then a drop of my blood I would have threw that little prick in the fire place or just stomped the hell out of it. I understand that Seymour Really liked the plant and wanted to get Audrey, but to me I would have burned the little monster and then focused on the girl. Killing my boss so that a plant that talks, has teeth and loves the taste of blood would be fun for the entertainment value, but in reality I would have sold that damn plant to Ripley’s holy shit you better believe this or not. I understand that the plant got the shop alot of money flowing in, but when it told Seymour to off his boss just to be fed, Seymor should have just made a make it yourself flamethrower. Home made shit always work, right?

2.War of the Worlds. (remake)

Plot: A normal day turns into a living hell when lighting strikes the ground, but the lighting carries pods that shoot into the ground which from what I can remember those pods go into the war machines of the Martians! Tom Cruise plays a father that tries to make the best for his two kids when the Martians start blast people into dust with thier heat rays.

Martians are jealous of Earth because we’re the closest to the sun and we have a beautiful planet while they have a very shit planet. They invade us, steal people so they can us our blood as food, but WAIT! The Earthly germs of Earth are too deadly for their pansy alien asses. They soon die out and then Morgan Freeman gives a narrating speech on how the Martians died out because of the fucking flu. Also Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning and Justin Chatowin all live.

How it could have been solved: Hmmm germs. Dont we have alot of those guys running around in our air don’t we? There had to be a meeting of scientists that were figuring a way to defeat the aliens. At that meeting there had to be one fellow scientist that said “Hey, do you guys think that using biological warfare against these invader could give us an upper hand? If we send in a person infected with some kind of deadly disease don’t you think that whence said person is being fed upon the disease will kill the Martians?” Then the entire table must have either given him death glares or just burned him at the stake like a witch

You guys suuuuuucccckkkkk!!!

But really there had to be some kind of suggestion that included the words viruses, illness, poison, aliens, bomb, idiot, Tom Cruise, Stephen Spielberg, please, don’t, look, at, me, like, that, NO! and a death scream. I mean shit mankind had biological warfare before the book and the movies were made. Cortez used germs against the Aztecs. H.G. Wells is one of my favorite authors and Steven Spielberg is one of my favorite directors/writters. He could have been a bit smart with the movie and take a different path with the movie. But then again he still did a great job with the movie.

1.Transformers:

Plot: Socially awkward yet cool kid Sam Witwicky gets a car because he has good grades, this car happens to be a transformer which is secretly out to get him so that the Good guys the Autobots can find the Allspark before The Decipticons do and resurrect their glorious leader Megatron! The Autobot team take Sam and Megan Fox for a trip to get the Allspark back, but Bumblebee, Sam and Megan are taken by Section7, a government made sction that specializes in transformers. Soon Megatron gets freed and then a mega million dollar all out fight between the Autobots and Decipticons are held. Autobots win because Sam blows up Megatron with the cube and then the sequel is setted up.

How this could have been solved: Ooooh wow Titus you can’t stop hating on Transformers. You hate because its awesome. Actually I hate because it has everything that idiots like. If you look into a movie for hot chicks, funny black people, Shia Leboof, Millions of dollars spent in making a film, Crappy looking robots and a horrible story then you should shove our head into an outhouse and start drinking the fluids that are in said outhouse. I will admit the movie is cool, but when I do actually look at it from a very good view as in a uniqe view. The movie is just put out there not for the nerds and fans of Transformers but for people to just watch and give Micheal Bay the money to do another shitquel- I’m sorry sequel.

The plot is so stupid and yet so easy to be solved. The Autobots make it so difficult to get the cube that they lose Jazz to Megatron. They could just told Section7 “Hey guys were here again and we need your help. The Decepticons are trying to kill some dipshit that has glasses that lead us to the Allspark. Ummm this might seem like a big favor, but can you guys just tell us where you can find a giant cube? we really dont have enough time sending our good solider to this kid so that he can bang Megan Fox in the back seat. We are being honest when I say that ‘we come in peace’.”.

The autobots could have had this whole problem solved within days and possibley without the help of Shia Leboof. Now don’t get any ideas like I have it out for Micheal Bay’s Tranformers films. It’s just that if you want to make a film that will piss me off, then just make a movie that has a very obvious plot that can be solved with a simple thing called thought then Micheal Bay has done it and it has a sequel and soon to be another sequel. If there is to be some kind of boycott of these movies then I’d gladly join up for it.

Top ten horror movies.

Every day we use quotes from movies. No matter what genre, but on one special holiday, men, women,  child and shit even animals get dressed up as my one favorite genre movie characters. Horror movies are really great, shit I basically thrive off them. I will  be counting trilogies and sagas in this list. Here’s my list on the top horror movies.

10. Alien trilogy (not counting resurrection).

In 1979 director Ridley Scott introduced the world to anew type of alien. A parasite that facial rapes you then leaves an egg in your chest and when time comes for it to hatch it has one hellva entrance

When I was little this movie scared the living shit out of me. I couldn’t go to bed without the thought of the facehugger raping my face and then my chest exploding from a little monster. Well after I got over the whole “Im scared shitless about alien” and got the balls to see the sequels I noticed something. The alien from the first movie was sort of a “special” alien….It was a retarded alien. I mean come on it didn’t pull off the shit like the ones from the other movies, like running on walls, using it’s tail more and well being more sneaky. This movie is a must see for anybody looking for something cool to watch. The movie was great back in then and is a classic scifi-horror movie now.

9. John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Once again I when I watched this movie as a kid I was paranoid. Like almost every kid, their imagination is wild, mine was how can you say? Batshit crazy? I thought that my parents were the Thing and were trying to get me infected with the thing with feeding me foods I hated. Well now that’s all over with I can trust them now…or can I?

Anyways, in 1982 master of horror John Carpenter decided to do a remake of a classic with the same name, The thing from outter space. Both stories are alike in some ways. In the original, the alien was a vegetable-like creature and fed off of blood and hated fires, it had a mad genius who wanted to do something with the alien and it never mimicked other worldly creatures and people. In the remake it infected many just by touching them, no evil scientist even though a scientist does go apeshit and try to kill everybody, can transform into the aliens that it adsorbed or devoured and Hated fire

You see that shit. That dude freaked the fuck out. The alien enjoys the cold, but it would suck if the movie took place in Hawaii. The Arctic was a great place to based the movie on, which the book was based on. Once again we have that famous formula; Book->Movie->Remake. I haven’t read the book yet, but I can’t wait to get my hands on it. The movie still scares me. The animatronics are wonderfully scary and if you have enough time to watch the entire behind the scenes featurette then you will learn the dangers they went through to make this movie. When you want something to really get under your skin then watch John Carpenter’s The Thing in the winter…when it’s actually cold out, it feeds to the atmosphere.

8.Feast.

This movie is just….Feast is a movie that…..I just- I don’t know how this got on the list I really don’t. I have many words for movies, but this movie is just- I can’t stress this enough, but if you watch this movie you won’t look at life the same anymore. After I watched this movie I just couldn’t help but think about how fucked up Matt Damon, Ben Afleck, Wes Craven or the other guy who made this movie. The trailer wasn’t even close to making out what was in this movie

I’ve seen many disturbing things in my life, but this movie brings a new meaning to facial rape, vomit, maggots, rotting people and other fucked up shit. I couldn’t think straight for a month, no really my mind was just stuck on what I just watched almost 30 days ago.

I heard that there’s three sequels out already, as badly as I dont want to, something in my stomach says that I need to watch the sequels. This is one of those movies were you just need to be freaked out and you have nothing better to do. But in honesty, watch this movie just for the hell of it. Sure after watching it you might look at me in a different set of mind, but you know that it was worth it…in some sick way.

7.George A. Romero’s Day Of The Dead.

When it comes to zombies nobody can top it like George Romero. He started the whole zombie movie. Before him zombies were only humans hypnotized and were voodoo induced people. Sure White Zombie gave Rob Zombie a name for a band and made Bela Lugosi a better name in the horror genre, but those zombies weren’t the zombies that are famous today.

George Romero started the series off with Night of the Living Dead and as it progressed it got better over time. When Day of the Dead came out it showed a new, smarter zombie. And what has happened to the world after the zompocolypse. This movie has many famous parts. Most famously the death of Captain Rhodes

The beginning scene of the movie is very eerie and scares me. The music and feeling that the movie portrays is very lonely and it really feels like your all alone in the world and the zombies are out to get you. Romero’s zombie movies have stopped at Diary Of the Dead, a movie that is short of scares and tries to rip off of the CloverField style, you know the whole camera shot. Yet many say that Diary is just another beginning for the zombies and that Land of the Dead is the true future of the living dead. Yet George Romero isn’t entirely fond about his zombie movies, that’s all that he’s famous for, but he wants many to notice his other works of art. Like…

6.Creepshow.

Directed by George A. Romero and written by Stephen King. Creepshow is a movie that is inspired by the Tales From the Crypt comics. The movie is divide into about six separate stories that are all sorts of horror. There’s tons of appearances from many famous actors. Leslie Nelson from Airplane! Stephen King plays a comically dimwitted farmer who has the misfortune of discovering a meteor. The movie is darkly funny and has many parts that are scary and disgusting. Wait! Did I just mention the magical word about this movie? Aw yes disgusting

This movie does not lack anything that wouldn’t make it a horror movie. I has everything from a huge monster that kills a mans bitchy wife to a person being killed by bugs. If your a fan of Stephen King and/or George Romero then you have to pick this movie up sometime. There are two sequels that arn’t worth watching and a new online series is beginning.

5.Dead Alive (Brain Dead).

In the begging of Peter Jackson’s career he had some miss and hits, but hits like Dead Alive. The movie is a gore-fest of gore. It’s fucked up in so many ways that some of the shit you see will either make you puke or make you cringe at the sight of it. The first time I watched this movie I was pretty small so I didn’t remember much, but when my friend picked it up on dvd I know why I couldn’t remember it, my mind was protecting me from all of the gore and horror that is this movie. When I say horror I mean it in a good way.

This movie has one of the most memorable scenes in zombie death scene history.

Now these zombies are voodoo zombies yet they have some of the traits of virus zombies. The curse came from Skull Island (Jackson couldn’t resist) and an evil Sumatran monkey-rat;who origins are pretty fucked up by itself (Rats from a slave ship came to the island and raped the monkeys of the island). Linoel’s mother get bitten by the monkey-rat mindfuck and then the madness begins. The movie is so messed up that two zombies fuck and have a baby. It’s so fucked up that I have to show a video of the baby

4.Return of the Living Dead.

This movie has nothing to do with George Romero. I repeat This movie has nothing to do with George Romero’s zombie flicks. The movie only has  a reference to it. This movie is in a league of it’s own. The movie is just really damn good and does not hold back on whatever point it’s trying to make. The movie begins when a gas canister breaks and brings back a body inside of it and everything that once lived, inside the warehouse. They burn an infected body since these zombies can’t be killed since they’re already dead and eat brains to kill the pain of being dead.

The movie sets up the stereotype for zombies that they only want brains and not like the regular zombies that only want flesh. These zombies think and talk. Infact there’s this one zombie that has grown to be pretty big and i can’t blame his fans

I can’t stop watching this movie because it’s just so damn good and different from the rest of the flock. The movie has a naked metal/punk chick dancing in a cemetery and then later she kills a hobo because she becomes a zombie (scary one at that). Now this movie has about four or five sequels that are just utter shit. This is the movie that you need to watch.

3. It’s Alive.

When a horror movie comes out there two things that can happen, either it’s a blockbuster hit that does scare people or it’s a controversial movie that doesn’t scare anybody and makes shit for money. Well It’s Alive should have some controversy for the monster bit. The monster is a baby. That right when mrs.Davis gives birth to her baby she soon finds out that it’s a murderous little beast. The baby is a frightening sight to see. This movie makes you see little cute babies as little monsters.

I remember seeing this movie and being scared of the baby, infact I still am. It’s a spooky sight. It’s like a baby, but in a sense it’s a not of this world

It’s strange that the baby could get around and kill so many people without being caught or seen. Also the cops enjoy shooting the shit out of it, but of course they miss the target. The baby is a mutant radioactive monster, so this means the movie is a most definitely a b-movie. It has two more sequels which arn’t really something you would want to want to watch at all. Watch it, but dont watch it…alone!

2.28 Days Later.

Back when Danny Boyle actually made good movies he had given the world a purpose to fear the new breed of infectious zombies. In 28 day later the zombies dont shamble around and moan they’re more animal-like and arn’t slow. They can infect you the traditional way of either biting or scratching, but if any of their blood gets in your eye, wound or any opening to your insides you can become infected.

In a series of events the infection is released when…are ready for this…when a bunch of animal conversationalists try to free a monkey that’s infected with the “rage” virus. The monkey then infects one of the hippies (beats getting shit flung into your face), then the infected hippie attacks everybody in the room, even the scientist that warns them about the monkey, smooth move dipshit. The trailer is badass by itself

The movie is bloody good and it has it’s moments where shit puts you on the edge of your seat and have you white knuckle tight. The movie has it’s share of fan-dom. There’s even a graphic novel that finishes up the movie and it’s sequel.

1.House of 1000 Corpses.

Rob Zombie. Rob Zombie has got to be one of the greatest directors amongst this generation. House of 1000 corpses is just fucking lovely, and I love me some gore and violence. Sid Haig, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bill Mosely and my favorite Walter Phelan. The movie revolves around four people who trying to survive the Firefly Family. One of the most fucked up families around. Like rednecks can’t compare to how crazy they are.

Now with horror aside…this is one hellva funny movie. In order to enjoy a horror movie you have to have a great sense of humor both dark and light. Capetian Spaulding (being played by Sid Haig) has got to be one of the most twisted and funniest clowns I have ever seen. And the evil fucking Clown from It isn’t scare he’s just stupid looking. Captian Spaulding has that feeling like he could have been real or atleast a clown out there could have been this crazy. The beginning of the movie is just awesome

I suggest that you watch this movie right now! If that beginning part didn’t get you into the movie then you can just go to hell because that was the best damn before-credit-scene ever. Well not ever because Zombieland has that title.

Top 10 superpowers.

Man what I would do for to gain superpowers. The only problem is, they do tend to take horrible turns for the worst and awesome ways of making life way better. This is my top 10 list of superpowers.

10.Invincibility:

Warning: Major pansy right here.

Yeah Awesome: Being Able to take a bullet to the head and then strangle the gunner with your hands does seem really badass. You can handle pressures that normal folk can’t handle gives you the right to say “stand back ma’am I can handle this”. You can walk into fires and walk out without a scratch. You can walk into a bar and win the fight with everybody in there. You can walk into the middle of a gang war and settle the whole fight with your fists. You can skip right into a war zone and save people. You are the best damn thing out there!

Oh shit, weakness: Sure your invincible and possibly unstoppable at the least. But you still are human on the inside. You can feel things, you can see the fear inside those who are afraid of you, you could kill somebody on accident and be sent to jail. You could try to rebel and be evil, but you have to sleep sometime or you can get tired given on your type of power. Like Superman it could be a type of item that can weaken you or like the Juggernaut where if your held still you can’t destroy everything in your path. Maybe the scientists can get your blood sample or silica to make an antidote to stop your unstoppable ass.

9.Immortality:

Great game. Great immortal

That’s what i thought. Yeah Awesome: You can move along the ages of the world without death’s cold grip on your soul. Your power over life is gracious. You can go to clubs and get drunk and not die of alcohol-poisoning, well unless you have the type of immortality that matter’s with whole age only and if you get shot in face you die motherfucker die type of immortality. Hitting on girls does take time to improve on, but hey you have your whole immortality to work on it. If you do have the type of immortality in which you can survive anything and live forever than possibilities are endless. You could walk into the ocean and discover crap that some normal folk can’t. You could be sent into space and witness things that would blow your mind. You are almost a god!

Oh shit, weakness: Not a day goes by in which you screw somebody and think to yourself. “Wow, Im a million years old and I still never got with that one babe in my math class.” or “Jeez, I never thought about having so many kids. They’re all dead by now.” Your life will be plauged with the death of those who have gotten close to you. Your life will be filled with oddities, but you will leave a mark in those of who you got with and they’d soon notice at their death bed’s that you’ve never changed, literally. You havn’t change since the day you two met. Sure you could actually go to the depths of the ocean and and go away into deep space, but your memory is forever, you can never forget. If your the only immortal then your alone in the world. Your going to be completely alone and sad, the worst part is. You can’t off yourself.

8.Invisibility:

Look at the smug look on his face...oh wait.

Yeah Awesome: Ever had an embarrassing moment in which you just wanted to disappear? Remember that time that all your friends dared you to go into the chick’s locker room? Remember that time when you felt like being invisible? Well, would ya look at that you are invisible! Now remember invisibility comes with alot of responsibility, but you already knew that right…well whatever. Next time that kid starts to make fun of you, you can just get the jump on his blind ass, and by blind I mean you could possibly throw dirt or paint thinner into his eyes. it all depends on what visibility you have if it’s the kind that ensures that both you and your clothing is invisible then your all good. If it’s the kind where if your still wearing your clothes and you look like a god damn ghost, well that’s sort of a perk. I mean if you have the not-going-invisible-clothes invisibility then your going commando into the girl’s locker room.

Oh shit, weakness: Well besides the fact that your almost the master of assassins and spies you do have a few problems with your invisibility. The whole clothes not disappearing thing is not good considering that your still slighty visible. And with some account that you Do sneak into the girl’s locker room there’s a slight chance that when you do see the babes undress your “emotion” could make you visible which doesn’t really put you into a great situation. Think of all of the possibly ways of nobody finding you when your invisible. When crossing the street turns deadly. When getting into a car crash and being forever invisible and dead is pretty bad. When trying to get attention because your permittly invisible and you need help turning back. The list is almost endless.

7.Flight/Levitation:

FEAR ME, YOU PRICKS!!

Yeah, awesome: Turn your life around by skipping class and flying through the skies as fast as you can go! Your ability can make you as free and an eagle. Your probably thinking on your next destination on which to travel to, whether it’s a nice beach or cool exotic location in the Caribbean, you dont know and you don’t care as long as you fly from point A to point B. You zoom past your school, job and the boring parts of life!

Oh shit, Weakness: Sure it’s loads of fun going through the air and almost breaking the sonic barrier and possibly rob a bank for money, but have it ever occurred to you that your movements are being watched. Now dont think that other freaks are watching you or aliens are watching you. Your flight patterns are monitored by the military. Your on the radar and the government might notice you as either an unauthorized craft or ufo. Knowing any countries government, they’ll see you as a threat. Either way you might be shot down. Im pretty sure that you can’t take on a stinger  missile head on.

6.Mind control:

"Now take off all your clothes and call me The Dark one."

Yeah, awesome: Your boss is a dick, a chode. He always busts your ball for no good reason. He had sex with your wife to prove something: That he’s better than you. One day you just sit there in your cubicle, twitting your thumbs. A thought pops in: I wish boss would staple he face to the desk and lights his balls on fire. Soon screams can be heard. You run to the source of the screams and surprise surprise What you thought just came true. Every little thing you think up about somebody they’ll do it. You start to move things around with your mind, weight lifting shit is easy when you can pick up a can of cola and then chuck it at a hobo. Then you’ll pick up that hobo and then chuck him at a little kid. Soon not only are you the boss of your own company, you able to create anything you can think of. Once again your almost a god!

Oh shit, Weakness: Sure you might be able to take on the world, but Im sure that with all this power your mind has been taking a toll on your whole mentality. One second your wife is in love with you then second her corpse is splattered against the side of the wall because she admitted that she cheated on you with the gardener. Skank. You can’t take it anymore, anybody that gets near you either turns into something weird like a chimpanzee that farts waffles or you turn their inards into the paint on the wall. There’s almost no way you can undo the evil things you did. Usually the government would step in and capture, dissect and experiment with your powerful brain. Hopefully you can use what power you have left and reverse time to the moment of your boss lighting his testicles on fire.

4. Shapeshift:

Ok, long story short, it's both a vampire and werewolf. Still can transform.

Yeah awesome: Transformation is badass. You want to be a tiger, your a tiger. You want to be a dragon, well dont start burning down the town. When you want to blend into a crowd all you need to do is become a different person. You are the master of disguise. Now once again there are many interpretations of shapeshifters. One is that you can only turn into a wolf…boring. Another is just animals. My favorite is everything. When you go hunting the deer wont know what fucking broke it’s neck and shot it in the brains. You could be another person and confuse them and everybody around them. Who,what,when,where and why is just what your a master at avoiding.

Oh shit, Weakness: Well after a few hundred persona changes your wondering on who the hell you might really be. i mean are you that guy who was just on the news for an alledged burglary? Or are you that girl who o.d’d on meth and you just turned into her to make her family happy again. You were somebody, but now your anybody. That and given that you do turn into somebody, that certain somebody might be on a hitlist or they might be up for a beatdown. Watch your back.

3.Mind Reading:

"So that's where they hid my remote control for the tv, the swine!"

Yeah,awesome: Ok I could be a dick for doing this one because this sort of goes in the same catagory as mind control, but I see them both as two different things. Anyway, when having the ability to read minds your life changes. One second your talking to your best friend. You then read their mind to only find out that they hate your guts and think that your annoying as fuck. You soon read the minds of people who are hiding secrets. You can slmost predict on what people are up to. Your ability to read the thoughts of others can go into the possibility of digging deep into the sub-consions of your peers and then everything starts to pour into your head, everything you want to know about that person becomes clear. Soon you can see that even the most annoying person is really just a sad little ego energized prick. If your powers become more stronger maybe interrogation could just be a blink of the eye. Hopefully you dont fully invade another person’s mind, you might make their skull explode.

Oh shit, Weakness: Yeah going into people’s minds: fun. Discovering many dark secrets and other shit that’s not really great to see: Bad. The idea is great it’s just the reality is people are fucking crazy. People have very, very disturbing minds. Like I said, you read your friends mind and then you discover that they hate your fucking guts. That’s not great to know. There’s a slight possibility that you don’t read your friend’s mind and your read that crazy kid’s mind in the back. Your head will be full of horrid images and other things that are scary on many levels. And with the possibility of making a person’s skull explode or just giving them a really evil headache could be possible if your brain is really really strong with the whole mind reading. If not you may have a backfire with your plans.

2.Ultimate knowledge:

Oh yeah, Awesome: I hate tests dont you. I also hate my I.Q. at which I dont know what number level it is at currently. Wish you knew what your crush wants? Wish you had the right answer to what the cops were asking you? Simple if your a super genious. Your whole day would be simple with school and at your job. Teacher says that you’re wrong then just correct her up the ass. The boss askes you why you have been called into his office, you can just tell him the answer and tell him something very disturbing about his wife. You can be a one man scientific team. You can find the cure for cancer, diabetes and hiv all in one month. You can make Stephen Hawkins go crazy in his robo-chair. Space travel would be a scrrible away. You are the cure to mostly what’s wrong with our planet!

Oh shit, Weakness: With a great amount of knowledge of everything it seems that your too busy with saving the planet. Too busy to pay attention of your current condition, the condition is that your losing all of your humanity. Your becoming a Doctor Manhattan almost

Say that you met this really nice girl and you two hooked up because you knew what she loved and since you know everything you knew everything about her. Well you knew her, but she doesn’t know you anymore! You have a dark side of things. You know who is who and what they stand for and they’re whole entire life basically. When your done your job with this planet, man kind will discard you like a toy. Maybe if you could travel back in time with a time machine…

1.Possession:

The usage of toothpaste must be denied in hell.

Yeah,awesome: Ok now you might be thinking that this doesn’t deserve be number one, well I have one thing to tell you. FUCK the  police. Nah just kidding I have a friend who’s a police officer, he’s not a pig like the other 95%. Anyway, hate living your life with everybody ridding your ass like a camel with a fat chick on your back? Well posse a person and go on a killing spree, exit the body and then reak some more hell. If your a good enough posseror then you will leave your body and control the person or object and if you die as that person you will return to your body alive. Being picked on by some guy then posses the dude, make him walk into on coming cars and then leave at the last moment. Like I said objects can be possesed as well. Can you say floating knife fight?

Oh shit, Weakness: Well if your possession consists of your body being turned into whatever you turn into your find, but most of the time. Your body is just a shell. When you lose that husk of yours then it’s freeball for your husk-ass. Plus you could lose the time to go into something then and the time when you go back to your body. if your astral projecting then that’s completely different. If your in the form of smoke you might disappear. If a liquid then you might evaporate. Yeah this is a double edged sword right here. And you could posse something that you may not want to possess and that object might be something that goes somewhere that’s not clean…

Notable Mentions: Teleportation. Phasing.

Teleportation is something that can beat flying and super strength. I personally love this power, hallways would be simple to get through. My favorite superhereo Nightcrawler can teleport. And thanks to the whole supersede thing, he can’t get stuck in walls or people. Life would be simple if teleportation was real. The only problem is, what if you have some much on your mind that you go to the wrong place. From what I understand you have to concentrate on the exact spot that you have to teleport to. If not your going places. And what if you do teleport and accidentally teleport in somebody. Will you die or will that person explode like a paintball hitting a wall? It must be pretty tricky teleporting. Yet it’s a bad ass gift.

Somebody is gonna get a bitchslap.

While phasing through things you can go through anything, anyone at anytime. Yes this is a great way of getting through lines quicker and possibly lookng for things more easily. Your almost like a ghost if you have that kind of power. Now all of that is wonderful, but what if you turn solid and somebody is in your way? What the hell would happen? it’s a once again what if kinda qeustion. Would you two fuse together or would you both painfully die? I don’t know and I think both outcomes would bad horribly bad. But running through people and ripping out thier organs does sound fun at the least.

Top 10 things wrong about animes.

Once again I found a way to make a list about crap. Here’s my list about the many things wrong with animes.

10. The smart/shadowy guy with glasses.

Look at him, thinks he's so cool, but he's really just a douche.

Why wrong: Give me one single anime show and I’ll point out the first asswipe who’s shadowy and smart and likes to think everybody as imbeciles, fools and the sorts. It can be annoying to watch one show to see it appear in another and another and another. It’s easy to identify this kinda guy, just wait until the second, third or fifth episode to notice this guy on top of the school roof, in a corner, in a shadow. Trust me when he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. I want jam those fuckin’ glasses down his throat. No homo.

9. Goofy/slutty girls.

[picture not available because Im not looking that shit up!]

Why wrong: Well I’ve seen enough animes in my lifetime to say this. Almost all the chicks in the cartoons either have big knockers, are silly or like the main character or the villain or some bug-eyed freak in the show. I understand that having a vagina in the show will effect the protagonist and antagonist, but isn’t it enough when the girl has big boobs and acts like a ten year old pumped full of sugar and has the strength of eight men. In reality chicks with big bazookas are hard to get and aren’t as nice as anime girls. To add another they usually have magically powers to heal people.

8.over-reacting to being denied something.

"Umm sir can you please calm down. I do love my life. Alot."

Why wrong: Say that if a anime person asks for a cookie and the person says no. You’ll get a person who will look something like the dude above. And by chance he will have powers that will obliterate an entire city. When somebody denies me a cookie I do ask why and not break his neck while asking. If the person says that I dont deserve one then hey who am I to say that I do, karma. While in japan they do deserve the cookie and kill that person and a couple hundred pedestrians just for the cookie.

7.Mecha mecha mecha!

Hahaha this is real hahaha Im laughing because one day it'll be able .to work hahahaha we're fucked,

Why wrong: Japan is famous for alot of things giant monsters and robots  being two of those thousands famous things. I dunno why I put this here because theres a few shows that I like that have giant robots kicking each others asses, but there’s a limit to how many shows should have giant robots. American cartoons do have a few giant robots here and there but not like Japanese cartoons and if it’s not giant robots it giant monsters or animals.

6.Spirit animals/creatures.

The spirit is in the toy...

Why wrong: Much like everything else on the list anime characters can also be powered by a spirit or animal essence. Like a tiger or more beloved dragon. They then gain the powers of the elements or whatever the power the monster or animal had. If somebody had the power of a dog and is able to run full speed, Id capture the kid (which it usually is a kid who has  the power) then dissect the kid or torture the kid to harness the power. Evil? Nope.

5.Kids with powers.

While having powers your hair grows for some awesome reason.

Why Wrong: Give a kid a knife. Somebody is about to be either stabbed, threatened or nothing at all. In anime the kids learn to control or not control their power. If they can control their power they are confronted with people who are extremely evil-er and powerful then the kid and at the end of season the kid beats the villain and gains greatness. For the ones where they can’t control their power they are faced with samurais or some person with powers who are up to the task of teaching the kid to handle the powers. If I had super powers and invincibility then our soldiers would be home right now and I’d drop out of school.

4.Cosplayers.

Like I said giant robots...everywhere.

Why wrong: Holy shit are you kidding me. Watch comic-con or better yet Go to comic-con and look for a group of cosplayers that dress up as anime characters. Japan is sorta filled to the brim with these people. If you see a villain in a videogame from japan, odds are you will see them hanging out with their enemies. Let’s say there was a holy-con where people dressed up like people from the bible. You might see Satan and god drinking a slurpy while talking about the families they once had. And it’s just stupidly scary on how many kids in America dress up like some anime characters. I know people the know people who do dress up, I try to keep my distance

3.over usage of crying.

[picture not here because it’s too sad]

Why wrong: Everybody cries, even the toughest G.I. hey that rhymed. Anyway, in anime you will find out that if you yell at somebody they will either explode with a kamehameha or explode into tears. Chicks cry, but guys will cry because a chicks crying and the giant monster is dead or captured by the evil fucking government. There’s really not much here to say. I mean if your crying your either depressed to hell or your an emo. Maybe both.

2.Perverted old men.

Fuckin' panda with your sign that I can't read.

Why wrong: If anime has tought me one thing it’s that all old men are perverts that want some of the stuff girls have concealed. Yes, they want to bone a girl. Not steal they’re guns or superpowers. It must be something that alot of old Japanese guys have in common in Japan. I guess they like to look up girl’s skirts, try to rape them or just watch alot of porn. Dirty old men must be most of the Japanese population or something because they’re in alot of animes. Well we got one and he’s in family guy!

1.Gallons of blood.

She's okay, she just lost some blood that's all.

Why wrong: If you watch a violent anime you will notice that a person can take a cannon or sword to the stomach and walk away while singing I’m walking on sunshine. An anime character can lose up to 90.9% of blood and still fight on. In reality when we reach about 40-60% of blood lose we give the fuck up. If you shove a 5 foot wide and 19 foot long spear through an anime character they will gasp, fall down minutes later wake up stumble, fall down wake up with a bandages around the wound and continue fighting demon-monster-ghost-aliens. If you can lose that much blood and do all of that above then your either superhuman, wolverine,but more of a pussy or your an anime character. The damages anime characters can take are just ridiculous. Most of the time they’re bodies are either super powered or spiritual powered. Fucking anime, your wronger than Micheal Jackson Rising from the grave again.

Notable Mentioned:Endless seasons after endless seasons!! Now when there’s a show that’ helps gather the fan base’s money in merch. then that’s awesome, but after it hits it’s 5th season and the story is still as it was in the begining then just give up. But wait the guys who get the money think “Well lets just make it last a little longer I mean hopefully they will give us another season.” Which in reality they usually will because hey who doesn’t like money?